Today my class went pretty well. I almost choked up once but I got through the class. I did however leave in a funk. You know the kind. The kind that a good cry usually takes care of. I went to my in-laws after class to get my kiddos and John was meeting me there for a quick bite to eat out (by ourselves!!) before we all headed home. After we ate I was telling John about the class. One part of the class was a slide show of deceased babies (it was intended I guess to show us how to take these pictures so the family will have these precious photos as a keepsake). I just keep seeing that slide show in my head. Then I told him about the young girl who came to share with us her story, so sad. And then I told him about this exercise we did at the beginning of class:

We were handed a blank sheet of paper and were instructed to write down our feelings and hopes and dreams as she called things out....you find out you are pregnant......you hear the heartbeat for the first time......you go for your ultrasound and see your baby for the first time, it's a boy......finally the day has come and your baby is born........time is flying and now your baby is one and he is having his first birthday......he says I love you mommy for the first time......now he is going to kindergarten and is five years old.....graduation from high school......he is getting married........he is having a baby of his own....

My page was filled with words like excited, happy, nervous, anxious, joyful, elated, long life, healthy, etc.

She then told us to fold our paper in half. We held them up. She said now rip it in half. That is what happens when someone loses a baby. Their hopes and dreams for this child are shattered. As I told John about this exercise I became upset. That is exactly how it feels. Five years ago this month I walked into a doctors office still holding on to the hopes and dreams for my baby. They were shattered when there was no heartbeat. I quietly took John back to his parents and dropped him off to get the boys. I drove home by myself and had a good cry. A counselor that was in class today mentioned a Bible verse. She didn't say what it was but I came home and looked it up. This is the truth I hold on to. This is the verse she shares with Christian families when they have lost a baby.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28